Fatal Attraction?...Why Yes, I Have Seen It

So it appears I was being overdramatic in thinking Jazz Man’s new relationship had staying power and was destined for marriage and babies in the very near future, because they are now no longer together. And guess who decided to contact me the day of the break up? Yup, he did! He wastes no time, the horny bastard. Our chat was short and cordial and I of course played dumb about knowing anything that was going on in his life, because in actuality I knew quite a bit via my obsessive cyber stalking. He quickly hinted at wanting to see me again but I keep the conversation neutral and played coy because I was very undecided at that point. I was in this state of confusion and saw only two options:

1. Learn from the past and try crazy hard to put my emotions aside and take advantage of the great sex we have together.

OR 

2. Let it die here and now and continue my forgetting him process.

Me being me, never able to make a decision on my own, asked a few close friends for advice. EVERY SINGLE ONE pleaded with me to take option number two. It was the logical choice. They all knew how hard it was for me to let him go and move on the 1st time around, they didn’t want me to have to go through that all over again. And I was well on my way to completing the forgetting process until he contacted me, my cyber stalking was at an all time low and thoughts of him had moved to the back of my mind and I was able to focus on other things.

But, and this is a BIG but, I still craved him sexually. (Hormones are quite powerful!) I had no real prospects around for a relationship or at the very least for sex and I felt like I should jump on this opportunity to be sexually satisfied and boost my self esteem while he’s still single and let the chips fall as they may. Because after Jazz Man, who knows how long it will be before I open up to a guy or let loose and have sex again? I’m extremely impatient too!

Suffice to say I chose option number one, I gave him the green light and let him know that benefits were on the table. And just like that, things reverted back to how they were. We talked frequently and there were fights and drama and plain ol’ bullshit AGAIN. But me and my low self esteem saw him as my only option, my last opportunity for sex (Yeah, we’ve established I’m a tad bit dramatic) and I put up with his shit, even defended it to friends. MAJOR MISTAKE!

The Crazy Night:

So Jazz Man and I meet up and we talk and drive around and its fine, it’s friendly, even if he does rant and give me life tips because he doesn’t approve of how I’m living. He wants me to be more like him, never gonna happen! We quickly move to the backseat of my car to go at it and already it’s off to an awkward start because I can’t get comfortable. So we shift around a bit. We start kissing and I pull away to let him know I feel a bit inadequate when it comes to kissing so slow it down. He rolls his eyes says I’m fine and we continue. We’re making out, everything feels good, he’s kissing me all over and then he asks me for oral sex. I’m fine with this, we talked about this and I want to please and impress him.... Things don’t go as smoothly as planned. (Hey, I’m a beginner!) He gets frustrated and tells me I’m being weird, the whole situation just feels weird. I sit next to him and acknowledge that I’m not enthusiastic or in the mood at this point and his side comments are making me upset.

He decides it’s time for him to go because apparently he got what he came for. He also says that he’s done with me and we shouldn’t see each other again. I’m shocked and confused and he says he doesn’t have to explain, and I say he does. I straddle him to keep him from leaving (Shouldn’t have!) and tell him to stay and do all the dirty things he promised because he got what he wanted and now it’s my turn. (Hello! I wanted to get laid) He says no plain and simple. I ask if he’s just no longer attracted to me and he assures me this is not the case, but then what? I wanted a tangible explanation as to why he was treating me like this; he just used and rejected me! He can’t come up with an explanation and says we were never committed and he owes me nothing. He then proceeds to threaten to physically remove me from his lap. I ask him if he understands that I’m attached because he’s my first everything and he says he does and said he was also attached to the girl he lost it to. He told me I’ll get over it and not to be so dramatic, because I mentioned that he has now fucked me up mentally when it comes to men.

A cop drove by, asked a few questions and we played it cool, exited the steamy car and pretended to organize and remove things and then the cop leaves. Jazz Man then gets in his car and speeds off. I stay in my car and call my cousin to calm me down because I’m literally freaking out. I immediately start crying and it’s just bad. Next thing I know, he’s back and opening my car door, for a split second I think he’s come to apologize, but alas, he was looking for his cigarettes! I quickly end the phone call and wipe away my tears and say I don’t have them or know where they are. He asks if I’m keeping them as collateral. I say no and ask him again for an explanation. He doesn’t acknowledge this and I irrationally grab his keys out of the ignition. He doesn’t notice and I hide them. I sit in my car, roll up the windows and lock the doors waiting for him to notice, so that when he does, I’ll get all my questions answered before I hand them back. (Crazy and immature, I know!)

So he notices and asks for his keys and cigarettes and I say I don’t have the cigarettes. He says fine I believe you but I need my keys. I ask him to tell me why he just rejected me first, he won’t. He tells me that chicks don’t do this, they don’t’ act out like this no matter how bad they’ve been fucked over. I tell him I don’t care and then he maneuvers his arm in the car through the crack of my window trying to unlock the door and I try to lock to the door and roll the window up with his arm in it. (Very crazy, I know!) He succeeds at unlocking the door and I move over to the passenger seat and then out of the car with his keys, my pants slide down a little because my belt was still unbuckled, they way he left it. He yells at me to put my clothes on. It is at this point that we realized the cop has stayed nearby and is watching us. Jazz Man then takes my car keys and threatens to leave with them because he has a spare car key. I say no and run to his car and sit in it. He then mentions he has a great arm and is going to throw my keys and I say I don’t care. So he comes to his car, which I’m sitting in and yells for his keys. I realize this has gone too far and hand them over, because obviously I’m not gonna get any answers from him this way. He throws my keys out of his car on the ground and yells to get the fuck outta his car at least 3 times. I apologize because it now hits me how crazy I’ve just been and then get out. He speeds off yelling to stop being an immature bitch. There was this strong urge to follow him and ram into his car but another call to my cousin and she told me that wasn’t the best option. The cop that was watching us drove away and then I drove home. I called Jazz Man again to apologize an hour later and it didn’t go over well. I’ve also sent him another apology via Facebook message and that has gotten no response. Can you blame him?

But why do I care? Why am I apologizing to someone who used me for a quick sexual favor, tossed me aside and rejected me? Why do I want him to acknowledge me and accept my apology? Why do I need any kind of explanation from him? He made his feelings about me clear, shouldn’t I be angry and cursing his name? ...I am instead immobilized from the embarrassment and humiliation of my actions that night and also because I ignored people who had my best interests at heart and yet again was fucked over by this man. I’ve placed so much significance on him being my first everything that I’ve let it cloud my judgment where he’s concerned. I’ve let lust lead me to accept more bullshit than any woman should. I need to let go and move on cause I'm obviously in too deep and he isn't worth shit. This is why vibrators and free porn were invented, to have pleasure without complications, why even have friends with benefits? HA!